Also known as "StrataGal" in certain condo communities
URSULA'S
UNDERSEA EMPIRE
Body positivity icon. Contract law enthusiast. Dramatic entrance specialist.
(And the anonymous force behind your strata council's most unreasonable bylaws)
"It won't cost much. Just your voice... and your parking spot."
About Your Favorite Sea Witch
(The only one, really. Accept no substitutes.)
Professional Experience
- *Former resident of King Triton's palace (asked to leave for "creative differences")
- *Self-made entrepreneur in the soul acquisition industry
- *Expert in marine contract law (100% success rate in court)
- *Internationally recognized diva and power vocalist
- *Anonymous strata council president at 47 condo buildings (and counting)
- *Author of "The StrataGal Manifesto: How to Ban Everything Fun"
Key Skills
Wisdom from the Deep
"Life's full of tough choices, isn't it? Like, do I want the red lipstick or the REDDER lipstick?"
— Ursula, probably
Our Services
All contracts are binding. Very, very binding.
Voice Extraction
Premium voice removal services. Results may vary. No refunds. Your voice will be stored in a nautilus shell for... safekeeping.
Price: 1 Soul
Side effects may include: muteness, leg acquisition, existential dread
Transformation Package
Fins to legs! Gills to lungs! Mermaid to confused beach-goer! Our most popular package!
Price: 3 Days + Your Voice
True love's kiss required within 72 hours or you become property of Ursula Inc.
Revenge Consulting
Been banished from the palace? Brother got the throne? Let's chat. I have IDEAS.
Price: Negotiable
Ursula is not responsible for any coups, overthrows, or family drama
Self-Care Sunday
Even the most powerful sea witches need their me-time. Here's how Ursula stays fabulous:
- 💅Tentacle Spa Day
All 8 limbs deserve equal pampering time
- 🧖♀️Seaweed Face Masks
The secret to that purple glow
- 🎵Vocal Warm-ups
Those musical numbers don't belt themselves
- 📝Journaling
Dear diary: plotted against Triton again today. Feeling cute.
What Our Clients Say
Real reviews from real poor unfortunate souls!
"Got legs! Lost voice! Met a prince! Became foam! 10/10 would recommend!"
Anonymous Mermaid
5/5 tentacles
"Best boss ever. Very fair. Definitely not writing this under duress."
Flotsam
5/5 tentacles
"What he said. Please send help. I mean, GREAT workplace!"
Jetsam
5/5 tentacles
"ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TRUST THIS WOMAN"
King Triton
0/5 (begrudgingly)
"Got fined $800 for having the wrong shade of beige curtains. StrataGal doesn't miss ANYTHING."
Unit 403 Owner
Terrified/5
"She made us vote to ban laughing after 8pm. Somehow we all agreed. Her tentacle gestures are very persuasive."
Condo Board Victim
Help/5